Don’t be alarmed – I haven’t eaten him! Robert is alive and well and sunning himself (well melting actually) at present in 45 degree heat in Dubai – hence I have been nominated to stand in and write this week’s blog.

Now those of you who know me, know that I love my food. I think it is fair to say that I have a very healthy appetite. In fact ask any of my colleagues and I think the word obsession springs to mind. Whilst many of my kinsmen enjoy dissecting and pontificating about the weekends sporting performances, I love “chewing the fat” – quite literally – about what and where I ate over my leisure time. Hell – my screensaver is even the Top Table site!

Anyway, you can imagine my interest when at the suggestion of my family we became the proud owners of four chickens a few weeks ago. Preparations have been long and laborious, and not least costly. I started with the purchase of a £400 coup, which took me 2 days to build and paint. Then there was the construction of the run, a further £70, feeding supplies and of course the ladies, leaving me little change out of £600! Penny, Jonas, Nellie and Jamacks (I know two are boys names – kids hey”), arrived all of a flutter and soon settled down to life at the Akhursts. Over the coming weeks we have wiled away many an hour, watching them go about their daily business. Penny is the shy one, Jonas follows you all over the garden and Nellie has a serious attitude problem. Needless to say they have all developed little personalities of their own and become part of the family. They have started to lay, and we have to date had about 140 eggs. I have grown to tolerate the constant Norman Collier impressions when I enter the office, and not least that the cost of an omelette in my house is currently runing at “£12.70, which poses the question - could eat one of them when their laying days are over?

As a red blooded Meat Trader, who has lived most of their adult life in a carnivorous frenzy, I feel duty bound to say I could. But the reality is, the thought of placing my hands round their skinny little necks mortifies me. However the thought of paying the vet £60 a pop to put them to sleep and dispose of the bodies, mortifies me even more. . . .  Get the Paxo out Bobby – it’s chicken tonight!

Todays blog is written by my sister – you really couldn’t make this one up!!

Dear Mr Jones

I feel compelled to write to you regarding an experience I had this weekend in one of your Car Warehouse retail outlets.

I entered your store at the weekend with the intention of purchasing a pay as you go mobile for my Father’s 77th birthday today. I selected a phone from your comprehensive range at the cost of £39.95 + £10.00 sim card. I proceeded to the till, gave all of my personal details at the request of your member of staff and reached into my handbag to retrieve my purse. Imagine my astonishment when I pulled out £50.00 in cash to hand over, and your staff member visibly recoiled from me in horror! His next words will resonnate with me for a very long time, when he uttered apologetically, as if I had tried to put a steaming turd in his hand – “we don’t accept cash”. At this point his colleague stepped forward and said quite matter of factly, and I quote “well we do, but we will have to charge you an additional £20.00 for this service”!!

Now call me old fashioned but when I woke up this morning, pound Sterling was still legal currency in the UK. In fact where I come from it is the preferred method of payment and in certain circumstances I would normally expect a discount for payment by this method. Needless to say I left your store in a state of numbness and phoneless!

There is no doubt Mr Jones that you are a very successful businessman – in fact as a high profile dragon you obviously have an eye on future trends. I am more than aware that the bottom has fallen out of Sterling recently, and am just wondering if you know something that the rest of Europe doesn’t? Or could it just be that you are much shrewder than the rest of us – and manage to get a 60% bonus for handling the green stuff!

Yours Dumfounded

Helen Todd

PS: You may be pleased to know that I did manage to purchase the mobile for my Father at a local Tesco store, where the product was £10.00 cheaper and they are still more than happy to accept my hard earned cash.

There is I have been told a comments area somewhere on this blog thingy.  So please let us have your feedback about the trade, and any subjects that interest you (just keep it clean boys!!)

Firstly is anybody out there? Hopefully the answer to that one is yes?  There seems to be a blanket of silence that has descended over the trade since the world cup started. When you go out to eat, the restaurants that you once had to make reservations for are empty. At about 3 o’clock each day the high street falls quiet and the roads seem less congested. The sunny weather has only compounded the problem. World Cup + Sunny Weather = Diabolical trade! I know its not very patriotic, but now that our boys have come home (pc talk for failed!) we may turn a corner, hopefully people will start to venture out a little more – and if it could just rain a little – BINGO – things could be on the up!! This is I am aware a strange thing to wish for – rain and national humiliation – by hey – just four weeks to go and its school holidays – another obstacle in the life of a meat trader to overcome!

I’ve no idea is the simple answer! I have never written or even read a blog before. In fact if I’m honest, until very recently I didn’t even know what one was. A Blog – I am led to understand, is a chronological publication of personal thoughts, a kind of personal diary. Think of me as Bridget Jones with big knickers! No – on the other hand don’t think that – the imagery will give you nightmares. Think more Secret Diary of Adrian Mole aged 44 3/4′s!

I am, I think like most of the meat trade, slowly coming to grips with new technology. After all, I email, I text , I email, I text!! Suffice it so say that this blogging is all very new to me. I am well aware that by trying this blogging lark, I will cause much amusement to many of you. Many of you will think that I have nothing to say – and those of you that know me – will definately be right!! I don’t think anything I say will be particularly interesting, nor am I articulate – however I do think I could have found the perfect outlet for venting my frustration. Now this may not benefit you, I hear you say, but it will lower my blood pressure and as my family pointed out to me the other day – I may be far less shouty when I get home!!

This is the first post on our new blog.